How’s this for a sign…

Ever seen one of these?

No? Take a closer look.

It’s a bracelet made from carnelian and tigereye, two gemstones that help boost fertility and stimulate your reproductive system. They are also said to help clear negative energy and bring positive energy. Folks, I fell off the deep end and purchased a fertility bracelet… and a necklace, but this post is just about the bracelet. 

Now, before your judge and roll your eyes (Hi, Mom!), let me just explain. We’ve been trying to get pregnant since July which means we’ve been trying this go-round for four months. Just in case you aren’t in baby land, on average, it takes most couples 6 months to get pregnant. The act of becoming pregnant is actually pretty miraculous if you think about it. When a man ejaculates into the vagina, he releases like a bajillion sperm but only a few hundred will make it to the woman’s egg because our vaginas attack and kill the sperm. (Imagine little warriors in your vagina killing sperm with swords. It’s fun.) Anyways, that egg only has 48 hours to be fertilized so it’s actually pretty amazing that women get pregnant at all. Except for when you have drunk sex in college, because apparently that’s the easiest way to get pregnant.  I guess I should probably put in a statement here that I’m not a doctor and I basically get all my medical advice from Grey’s Anatomy, so if you, the reader, are a minor, you should probably go ask your parents about getting pregnant. 

4 months may not seem like a lot of time to be trying to most people but this is where my virgo-stubborn-redheaded-Irish self gets in the way. Having been through this “trying” period two times before, I can say with no hesitation that this is the stage I dislike the most. I don’t like waiting and I don’t like feeling like I’m failing. When you’ve spent over a decade of your life praying that you won’t get pregnant, it’s a weird feeling to completely switch gears and hope that your period comes. And when it does come, it’s like your heart just breaks into a million pieces. What’s extra fun about being me? When I’m in getting pregnant mode, my body feels pregnant. ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME. My boobs are sore, I’m bloated, I’m tired, I’m moody, and I have a huge appetite. Haha. Just kidding. I always have a big appetite. My family doesn’t call it the “Loftis butt” for nothing.  Anyways, it’s really frustrating.

What’s even more frustrating is that I’ve known so many women who cannot get pregnant at all, so I feel guilty and silly for complaining. I mean, 4 months? Women try for years and years to have their babies. I have this beautiful daughter who is the best thing I ever did (besides marrying her father) and I am so grateful for her. I also completely trust in God and know that if we are meant to have another baby, we will. God, if you’re reading, although I do trust you, please try not to make me wait for years and years. I might drive my husband insane. Love, Loftan. 

Back to my fertility bracelet. I know it sounds totally strange, and maybe it is, but I needed to feel like I was doing something other than jumping my husband every second I got. Every other day, folks. Every other day. A bracelet that I can just wear and it’ll help me get knocked up? Consider it done. Thank you, Etsy, for giving crazy women like myself an opportunity to spend $30 on voo-doo jewelry. Everything was going well with my fertility bracelet. It was orange, it went with my hair and my new purse(!), and it even had a cute little turtle charm. Did you know turtles are also a symbol of fertility? Turtles, elephants, and pineapples apparently.

Until last night. When it broke.

After only 4 days of sporting it, it totally snapped and my fertility beads started spilling all over the Target parking lot. So obviously it’s one of two signs from God that either 1. We don’t need a fertility bracelet because clearly we’re never going to have adorable Miller babies again. *Weap* OR 2. We don’t need a fertility bracelet because we know what is meant to be will be and we’ve just gotta put all our faith in that. And sex. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX.

The day before I got my period this month I had this fortune in my fortune cookie: Life isn’t about having the things you want, it’s about wanting the things you have. How simple and true this is? So, no more fertility bracelets, dances, and spells. I’m leaving it up to God and the magic sperm in my husband’s body.

Reader’s Advisory: I have contacted the Etsy shop owner and she still has not gotten back to me about the bracelet. If you too are going to go off the deep end and purchase a fertility bracelet, necklace, ring, whatever, I would suggest using another shop owner. If she sends me a new one (as she should) I’ll let you know. 


5 thoughts on “How’s this for a sign…

  1. Welcome to BlogWorld, Loftan! It’s so fun here. 🙂 Love fact that both posts I’ve read so far talk about vaginas- clearly this is a blog I will follow.
    Waiting is so hard. Praying your vagina soldiers lay down their swords this month.

  2. I laugh out oud at these entries, you are freaking hilarious! I just know Greg is going to knock you up, so start enjoying the sex (I know you do!) and relax. It´ll happen when it´s meant to happen, and not a minute before then! Love you lady, keep the blogs coming!

  3. Enjoy the sex now! After 10 years of infertility, 2 successful pregnancies (4 unsuccessful), and 1 Surprise, we now are outnumbered. I can’t recall the last intimate time when I didn’t think, “let’s hurry before one of them wakes up!”

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